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An Anxious Day

May 7, 2017

5:15a, the alarm goes off. Snooze it. 5:24a, it goes off again. Snooze it. 5:33a, it goes off again. 15+ minutes off schedule and you probably won't have time to poop at home. 

 

"Indifferent Morning self!" I know this isn't about to be "good," that's for sure.  

 

You spent 13 hours in bed, but tossed and turned for about 10 of them. You wake up knowing it's going to be anywhere from a subpar day to an eternity of shit. [Why, YES I have been working on my positive thinking, thank you for asking.] 

 

Make the protein shake, even though you'd rather get two bagels and an order of hash browns from Dunkin. Make sure you packed your anti-depressants and mood stabilizer in your lunch box, only to later tell coworkers they are vitamins. 

 

Make up or no make up? Well, you haven't showered and smell like yesterday's BO. Concealer and some BB cream won't hurt. Douse yourself in perfume. 

 

Leave your place and get in the car, feeling however you're feeling. Spend the next hour on your way to work thinking about what you hate about your body, how you could be a better friend and about what he said last night- spin it every way with the end result being him leaving you, or wanting to.

"Why would he want to stay anyway? You and your mind are pushing him away." 

 

Come back to whatever  version of reality you're working with today and try to reverse all of the negative self talk and imaginary scenarios. Actually, he loves you. He is there every time you need him and wants to be there for you. 

 

Don't push him away. Don't push him away. Don't push him away. 

 

Arrive at work- crying. Sit in the parking lot and apply a little more concealer while dabbing the current flow of tears. (Fake it till you make it, right?)

 

Deep breathing from the car, up the two flights of stairs, and down the hallway to your office. 

 

"Good morning! How was your night?" You ask with a big smile on your face. They respond and ask about yours. "Oh it was great, so relaxing and just what I needed." You lie, hard, through your teeth. 

 

Dive into your work as if nothing is wrong. Answer the call. Respond to the emails. Make your to do list for today and tomorrow. 

 

You manage a decent level of  productivity, but the time has stopped and nothing seems better than getting back into your bed for another 13 hours. 

 

Power through you tell yourself, as you actually enjoy your job and want to keep it. Keep it together.

 

Finally, it's 3:30 and you can leave. The best I have felt all day. Prepare yourself for the hour, possible hour and a half car ride home. Traffic always sucks, but Pandora has got you covered.

 

You finally made it home. Enter the safe space you had to leave this morning. Sit. Think. Cry. Yell. Sing. Do what you have to. 

 

End the day. You can go to sleep now. You can rest. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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